Jokes!

A farmer buys a mated pair of parrots.  Every time he looks in the cage the male parrot is making it with the female.  The next day the female dies.  The farmer gets incensed and throws the male out of the house.

The next day the farmer sees dead hens lying all about the feed lot.  The parrot is staggering around, worn out, but looking for another hen.  The farmer goes for the shotgun, but when he comes back, the parrot's gone.

During the next week, the farmer finds dead bird carcasses all around the farm, but can't find the parrot.

One afternoon, he spots the parrot lying on its back, its feet in the air, feathers all torn and scruffy.  The farmer walks up to it and says, "Finally sc**ed yourself to death, did you?"

With one wing, the parrot points to buzzards circling in the sky, winks lecherously, and says, "Shhh."

 

 


After taking his seat on a plane, a mild mannered young man was startled to see a parrot strapped in next to him.  Choosing to ignore the bird, he asked the flight attendant for a cup of coffee.  "And get me a whiskey, now!" the parrot ordered rudely.  A few moments later the attendant returned with the whiskey, but no coffee.  "Hey, lazy," the parrot cried out after draining his glass, "another whiskey!"  Again, the attendant hurried to bring the parrot his drink but forgot the coffee.

Upset at being ignored, the man decided to try the parrots approach.  "Hey, you!" he yelled at the attendant.  "Coffee now or you'll never work for this airline again!"  A moment later, a burley co-pilot came over, grabbed the man and the parrot and tossed them out of the plane door.  As they plunged downward, the parrot turned to the man and said, "That was really gutsy, mister.  Especially for someone who can't fly.

 

 


An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.  A young man sat down next to him.  The young man had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow.  The old man just stared. The young man said, "What's the matter, old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"  The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot.  I was just wondering if you were my son."

 

 


A pirate comes walking into a dockside tavern.  He has a wooden leg, a hook instead of a hand, and a glass eye.  He sits down at the bar and orders a beer.  The curious young man sitting next to him asks the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.

The pirate replies, "Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day and a wave washed me overboard, then a shark came along and bit me leg off."

The young man then asks, "Well then, how did you lose your hand?"  To this the pirate answered, "Many years ago, I was fighting the British and one of the dastards cut me hand off!  They couldn't find a hand, so they put this hook on me."

The young man then asked, "How did you get the glass eye?"

The pirate replies, "I was standing on the deck of me boat, and a bird crapped in me eye."  The young man, now completely confused says, "That's it?  No fantastic story?  A bird crapped in your eye and you lost it?"

The pirate says, "Well, it was me first day with me hook..."

 

 


A pirate and his parrot are marooned in a lifeboat after the pirate ship sinks.  The pirate finds a bottle in the provisions, and, hoping it's rum, he opens it.  A genie comes out, and grants him one wish.

The pirate, unhappy that the bottle didn't contain rum, says: "I wish the entire sea were rum!"  The genie waves his hand, and POOF the entire sea turns to rum.  Then the genie vanishes.

"Oh, good work, genius," says the parrot.  "Now we've gotta pee in the boat."

 

 


A man wins a ticket to a Buffett concert from a local radio station.  When he gets to the concert he finds out that the seats are terrible.  About an hour into the show he spots an empty seat near the front.  He works his way down there and asks the man in the next seat over, "Is there anyone sitting here?"  "No", replies the man.  "Can you imagine someone having this ticket and not using it?"  Our hero asked. "Well, it was for my wife, but she passed on recently."  "Oh, I'm sorry.  But couldn't you find a loved one or a relative to take the seat?"  "No," he replies. "They are all at the funeral."
 

 

~ Free Concert Ticket ~

~ Pirate and Parrot ~

~ Pirate in a Tavern ~

~ Two Men ~

~ Parrot on an Airplane ~

~ Farmer Gets a Parrot ~

 

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